I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably