Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Buying a well is money well spent.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register