Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Have a lovely day 😊
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔