It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
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My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.