So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
men, we mow at sunrise.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
anyone else like Italian cereal
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi