Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
#StillHurts
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.