It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
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dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
was Jim off killing horses or…
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.