cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.