Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
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4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
set yourself free xox
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
PLOT TWIST:
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no