The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*