Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
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[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.