Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Autocorrect is my menesis
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50