No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.