interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time