A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
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I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
LMAO
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”