Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Its true…
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️