If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
*seductively eats two tums*
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Last-minute gift idea!
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore