Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Ovenable?
channeling her this year
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?