Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
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Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
🖤✌🏽
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.