doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
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My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark