Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
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6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Owl Sanctuary
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”