Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
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*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.