Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.