APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
lol
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.