The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
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Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Mmmm canned fish.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad