Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!