*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
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People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
all bases covered
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me