[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”