Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.