I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 馃檨
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
date: I like men who aren鈥檛 afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Have you ever been so hungry you鈥檝e eaten fruit
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that鈥檚 not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I鈥檒l allow.
Pro tip: if you have a student鈥檚 mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 馃敟 with 馃敟
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
As a seasoned negotiator, I鈥檝e created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I鈥檒l buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 馃ぃ馃槀
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that鈥檚 just great
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling