Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire