[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
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I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
mom gave me mine for free
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online