Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
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Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.