Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|