A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
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Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.