can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Love this one 😂🧟
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.