Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
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Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.