I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Siri, fight Alexa.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.