Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
🔦🌙👣
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with