which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Rather alarming headline…
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
A woman drives into a bar.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.