Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”