BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
We’ve all been there…
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger