Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab