What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Midwest trash talk
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.