When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
this will hang in the louvre one day
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.