The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
You Might Also Like
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Dead sexy!!
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
wow
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!