Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
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5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?