She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
You Might Also Like
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I think the cat got the dog high.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏