[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?