I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
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1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Order here:
More here:
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.